Yesterday I saw a man walking in the pouring rain with an umbrella - normal , right? - but it was broken. Umbrella was sunken and crumpled, barely protection from the rain. But this man insisted on carrying it as if it were providing protection.

That's where I am right now, tryna dodge raindrops searching for cover with very little protection. Life is kicking my ass right now and I'm afraid to admit: but I kinda understand how people get to the point of suicide. When it can seem so hopeless and there is no light in sight. Its like every time something is looking good, reality shoots me back down. That is very hard to deal with, so I get it, kinda.

Today is my birthday! I've noticed every year around this time I feel rather low. The older I get the less attractive birthdays get. It's not because I'm afraid of aging, I love that I'm getting older. I think my expectations of what birthdays should entail get higher and I am only let down every time.

Unfortunately I can attribute my unhappiness to one person right now. (My happiness too, which makes me uncomfortable)

I've gotten many, many well wishes today, yet none of them amount to what I really want...him! I don't need anything for my birthday but to spend time with him. And it is so hard to live in this disappointment day in and day out.

He texted me this morning to say "Happy Birthday", instead of being happy I cried!

And that has been then set-up of my day so far: simply wishing I could be with the one who doesn't want me back!