Baa Hum Bug!

I'm 23, and I don't know what that means to you, but to me that's old and I'm tired. Blame it on my "old soul" or whatever, but I'm tired of every holiday and special event packing up me and my troupe going to visit other people at their homes, basking in their happiness, and their families. I'm tired and I'm ready for people to pack up their crew and visit me and mines.

Now, I have no children (my dog doesn't count because he's not always in tow), so my troupe is not my children, husband, or boyfriend for that matter; it's my "baggage". You know, I carry a bag of expectation, and no-nonsense everywhere I go. These bags are not always heavy, but sometimes they are so loaded that they weigh me down. Now don't confuse this with being unpleasant, I am not. I just don't feel like dealing with the bullshit, in this case particularly with romantic relationships.


I am very unapologetic about the expectations I have of others and at times these expectations may come at a cost to myself, but I am convinced that in the long run it will pan out. I have seen what little expectations (and lack of fulfillment of those) have done to people in the long run and THAT does not make me happy.

So, here I sit in my house alone on Christmas, not because I have nowhere to go but because I don't feel like it! I want to sit in my house and have others come to me. Unfortunately there is no reason for them to and that is the problem...

Equal Parts

Truth be told, every man likes a woman who's a little domesticated and every woman likes a man who's a little handy.

...but that should not (and probably will not) be the totality of their role in the home.

As serious as I am about equity in the home- that we need to be doing things 50/50- some tasks I want no parts of. Honestly there are some things I expect #myfuturehusband to be better at than I and things that I would prefer him to do- PERIOD. It has very little to do with gender roles and socialization, but how we will function well in our household. If I can, will, and am expected to do everything, then what the heck do I need a man* for? You know, ya'll come with a lot of headaches, that at times feel like they outweigh the benefits of having you around (j/k ... but dead serious)

There needs to be a recognition that what we each choose (or need) to do is equally important for the maintenance and functioning of this house. I will not let anyone (take note #futurehusband) guilt me into fulfilling duties, simply because of my gender. Just as well as I can sweep the floor, I'm pretty sure your arms move and legs can do it too (I know your stroke- you can handle it).

If he makes my whites sparkle like they've never been worn, then guess who's washing clothes? If I can put together a table in no time without spending hours looking at the directions, guess who's putting together furniture (or having it delivered already assembled)?

That being said (this post was not supposed to be about equality in the home); I know #myfuturehusband will really appreciate it if I know at least the basics of keeping a home clean and cooking an edible meal. Simply because as a woman I should know? Yes and because that should (will) compliment what he brings to the table, which will be more than the "bread and the bacon" to place on it (he is not getting off that easy). I will appreciate just as much that he knows how to change the oil in my car and replace the cabinets in my kitchen (lofty request? I have high expectations hahaha). Because he's a man? Yes and because it will compliment me.

Steve Harvey said it best (prepare for paraphrase) when he explained that no man should make a woman feel like they are indebted because she stays at home and he pays the bills. She is maintaining and preparing a household that he is living in - that's not a favor, they are both doing their parts. Had the food that was purchased with his money not been cooked by her, I guess he'd be a hungry soul.

So the point (damn, I got back to equity!) is that both parts are equally important and I will appreciate (borderline require) #myfuturehusband 's handiness and he shall appreciate my domesticity.

*man can be swapped for woman, vice versa - sexual preference does not negate this experience

ChillMoodyLaunch

Rebel without a Cause!

I'm thinking of changing the name of my blog to that, but....I don't totally agree...I have a cause, people just aren't always down,they don't always get it and I have too many causes to choose one!

Secondly, me rebelling is a marker on my journey towards adulthood, so it fits right in with my "theme".

This can't be a long post, b/c I've got work to do and I have spent a particularly long time stewing and sharing my thoughts on one particular cause, well processes of a cause: awareness raising!

I particularly HATE that people automatically assume that you totally disagree with them without attempting to LISTEN to what you are saying. At the end of most arguments, I find that had I (or the other party) listened to one another we would see that there are more similarities than differences between us.

That's what we need to raise awareness about: listening as an EFFECTIVE tool for change.


DUH!

I used to love HER too

There was a debate last night on twitter (there's always one of sorts) about hip-hop. People were commenting on the direction that it's going, who the leading rappers are today, has-beens, wanna-bes, the G.O.A.T, you know the usual. But, this debate was a little different for me for a few reasons, one being one of my friends was actually mentioned as being one of the hottest out right now (s/o to www.chillmoody.com) and that I had no desire to be a part of it, the convo that is.

Let me slow down, I wanted to be a part of the debate...but not enough to join it. And that struck me as odd, because I used to consider myself a "hip-hop head" in high school. I was a girl down with the movement; I was Ruff Ryder, Roc-a-fella, State Property'd out (you know very Philly home grown, by my preference). But you know, I was down...had the latest Clue and Cosmic Kev mix-tapes, guys was burning cds off of me! I was listening to the "Come-Up" show summer nights with the guys on the porch, joining their debates, I was nearly in tears when I heard Beanie Sigel's voice that year at Power House (you know, when the Broad Street Bully was a BEAST, surprising his city by staking claim against Jada - I can't remember the lyrics, but I remember the beat, I remember the flow, I remember the ENERGY that went threw that building...). Hip-hop helped me graduate high school, my senior paper was on hip-hop!

But you know, I was a young girl too young to be reciting lyrics: "when I sucked ya d*!&, it's like smoking a roach, why go from first class to coach?!" (too young to know what a roach was & too young to know what a d*&! was for that matter - so young I asked my mom: What does Notorious mean, as in K.I.M., as in Biggie) Mad at the girl from Da Band cuz she ain't know JUICY, how you don't know all the lyrics to JUICY?! You know people talk about growing up with memories of Luther, Anita, and Patti;well I had Biggie, Kim and Mary. How you not know the Ten Crack Commandments, how you not know Another, how you not know My Life?!

I was that girl! EVE taught me don't ever let a nigga hit you. Missy taught me how to dance. DMX taught me bout love, yes! (I was a good girl loving a bad guy!) MA$E taught me bout heart break (nobody mentions his album, that was like one of the best debut hip-hop albums!) Shit I was down with his squad too...hype they had the leading song off Rug Rats,"Uhn Baby Stace!" Kanye’s drop out ass taught me bout college, I was too young to buy his album because of the “WaRNInG!”

But somewhere between elementary school and college. Somewhere between Real Love and No More Drama, I lost it. I was not compelled to join the debate...I was not compelled to fill my "crates". I fell out of love...

Maybe I when I got old enough to realize Chris & Neef was running trains on girls disguising it as love: "You can take two/ain't no need to bring your people" Maybe when I was old enough to recognize payola. Maybe when I was old enough to hate the Snoopy Track and realize Nas was lying! You can’t be who you wanna be, stop hyping up my little sister and brother ---this world is rigged. Somewhere between my childhood innocence and my adolescent skepticism, I fell out of love with hip-hop.

I didn’t appreciate credit cards being slid down a girls ass, I didn’t appreciate buying out the bar, I didn’t appreciate all the girls in the videos not looking like me, I didn’t appreciate the girls in the videos suckin d*&! then airing it out, I didn’t appreciate “ya’ll” letting this ish that don’t take no skill, no talent, win! I got educated, radical, and lost my love. That undeniable love, I wasn’t fully astray cuz I still claim it, but not so that I wanna debate it.

But it’s coming back: I’m getting butterflies in my stomach when I hear Wale or J.Cole, Wiz make me wanna grab a dutch and roll. Even Nicki (yes Nicki at times) got me turning up my radio so loud, so mad it won’t go up no more. It’s coming back, I get nervous and anxious when I think about what’s new and afraid that I won’t be up on it. I wanna be a part of the movement- but this is one we’ve created, this is one that my generation has taken ownership of. My people was tired too…it hasn’t been all bad, but it wasn’t all good. Now it’s our turn to show the old n!ggaz we can do it too…

Some people to watch out for….there are plenty more not represented

Twitter:
@chillmoody
@phillysk
@bablyoncartel
@jonnyblack_jbmc
@bwyche
@antwandavisEST
@GQthePublicist
@hankmccoy
@giannilee
@justbeano
@elijahdon

My Privelege ain't Like Yours!

It's ironic(?) to me that there's this assumption of privilege associated with my being in Grad school. I'm not privileged in the economic sense, I will be hopefully.

I am privileged because I have the social-support to have gotten me where I am. But this assumption of privilege that people talk about when I'm in classes "makes me wanna holla!": I am not like you! I actually have a sense of what's going on at the low part if the social strata, not because I read about it or because I was lectured on it, but because I've lived it! My education only has allowed me to add language, to put a a name on my experiences, within and with out my community. It burns me up to hear, "Oh, we just don't know because of our privilege"...oh, I know and will never forget because I live it.

This does not discount the cushion that I know I've had in other areas such as social and familial support or the resulting opportunities. But then I question (which if by a white person would be called 'white guilt') why it's a "privilege" for me to have had what one should have to be remotely successful: supportive family and friendships.

My qualm at hand is don't assume I'm like you because I am where you are! I respect and recognize that we all have struggle, but mine ain't like yours! This privilege you speak of is economic, and I have not had that. I've learned that poverty is subjective; I know we didn't have a lot of money but luckily I didn't feel it. My family was a little closer to the threshold than below the poverty-line, but we were NOT advantaged. Them foodstamps kept me full, Medicaid kept me healthy and those fee-waivers helped me complete my college applications.

I am privileged because of my hard work or/and the affirmative action that probably helped get me here (s/o to PHEAA and other state grant programs). So I am privileged because I learned and was assisted in utilizing a system that is under-utilized and misunderstood by my folk!

Yesterday I saw a man walking in the pouring rain with an umbrella - normal , right? - but it was broken. Umbrella was sunken and crumpled, barely protection from the rain. But this man insisted on carrying it as if it were providing protection.

That's where I am right now, tryna dodge raindrops searching for cover with very little protection. Life is kicking my ass right now and I'm afraid to admit: but I kinda understand how people get to the point of suicide. When it can seem so hopeless and there is no light in sight. Its like every time something is looking good, reality shoots me back down. That is very hard to deal with, so I get it, kinda.

Today is my birthday! I've noticed every year around this time I feel rather low. The older I get the less attractive birthdays get. It's not because I'm afraid of aging, I love that I'm getting older. I think my expectations of what birthdays should entail get higher and I am only let down every time.

Unfortunately I can attribute my unhappiness to one person right now. (My happiness too, which makes me uncomfortable)

I've gotten many, many well wishes today, yet none of them amount to what I really want...him! I don't need anything for my birthday but to spend time with him. And it is so hard to live in this disappointment day in and day out.

He texted me this morning to say "Happy Birthday", instead of being happy I cried!

And that has been then set-up of my day so far: simply wishing I could be with the one who doesn't want me back!