For Those of You Alone on Christmas Pt. II

For those of you alone on Christmas who cannot find comfort in the blanket or the lights you hung that warmed your spirit for the first few days or the whisky whose burn felt good on the way down or from the dog who snuggles by your feet or from the family who eagerly await you, I see you.

I see you with your computer on your lap rushing to plan for the goals that you must commit to before New Year’s Eve because you have convinced yourself that you cannot go into this year without a plan. You are considering swapping your free spirit for Type-A, for a set of goals and objectives and trajectories. You have considered that your interest in everything is too much so you decide you have to choose something, but a voice in your head begs that you remember to choose yourself.

For those of you alone on Christmas, until the sun rises when you’ll join your family for holiday festivities, watching the clock deciding when it’s socially acceptable to return to your alone, I see you. I see you each time you change your frown quickly to a smile as you scroll through holiday pictures, because your reflexive thought is “...but don’t they want more?” while you ask yourself, “do you?”.

I see you attending the parties, drinking the beer and wine and whiskey and rum, wearing the ugly sweaters and telling yourself “this is fun”. I hear you convincing yourself that this is how it’s supposed to be, yet yearning for your alone. I see your beautiful pictures with your painted on smile. I feel the light you emit to others slowly draining from its source. I taste the anxiety you quell after each invitation that you want to decline, but don’t, because you’d rather be alone.

I know you want to dance in the sun. I know you want to eat what you’ve never tasted. I know you want to see what you cannot imagine. I know you want to feel things that you think never existed. I know you want to go far, but feel obligated to home, yet home makes you feel stuck.

For those of you alone on Christmas wanting more than the lights, gifts, and momentary cheer you are not alone. I am with you each time you attempt to fill the time between the traditional with you - your plans, dreams, and next big thing. I am with you when you consider maybe you’d feel less alone if you had a romantic partner, but reject the idea of someone else controlling your happiness. I am with you when you wish you would have traveled instead of stayed. I am with you when you cannot convince yourself to spend your last on someone other than yourself. invest in something less than your dreams. I am with you when you acknowledge how selfish that sounds and feels but you cannot force yourself to unsee the fallacy. I am with you when you know your love for others is not measured solely between the weeks between Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. I am with you when you refuse to buy something you can afford instead of something you want someone to have just for the sake of gift giving. I am with you when alone feels safe. I am with you when you are unwilling to justify and clarify. I am with you when you simultaneously accept and reject. I am with you alone on Christmas at that intersection. So while you’re alone on Christmas, but with your family and friends, find the time for you so next year, you’ll truly be with them.