Valentine's Day Afterthought (quotables)

"...ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it."

-Tracey McMillan

QUOTEABLES

"We don't want to promote color blindness. We want to recognize and understand what's in front of us. The same denial exists when they think we're in some post-racial environment. You remember? Right after we elected Barack, some thought that since we've elected a black man, everything's OK. As if that would solve all of our problems."

Michael Fosberg

My fellow bloggist (Helena Andrews)

The Downside of Love...

#EverydayB

“I don’t know how to take that…you said the other one was cool and I thought he was an asshole!”

Asshole or not, I love him. And frankly I’m tired of the people in my life thinking it is okay for them to make snarky, unwanted comments about that love or the one whom I love. I don’t need your comments to make me question my judgment or think about him. I don’t need that reminder to think about him. I think about him every day! Yes, everyday! I don’t need your comment to make me re-aware that I think about him every day! Every day he crosses my mind in some fashion, whether it’s a wave of anger, regret, resentment, nostalgia – regardless of the emotion, I am thinking of him. And your negative comment does not help my healing, it does not help me push him out of my head or my heart for that matter. I have chosen not to speak of him, because there is no need, he is with me EVERY DAY. And this asshole (me) is working on trying to rid myself of my thoughts of him every day and your decision to comment on him is not only annoying and hurtful, but adds to the difficulty of moving beyond every day to no days!

Thoughts on the *Dr. Gosnell Incident*

I'm trying to decide which way to go in this post -how long it should be, how political, how correct, how racial, how feminist, how endearing, how angry, how sad...I just don't know, but here I go:

I want to believe that at one time Dr. Kermit Gosnell was an advocate and a crusader for those without a voice, poor women (and men & families) of color who had few options for family planning (?), or medical care in general. I read that shortly after receiving his medical degree he opened up a methadone clinic and the now infamous women's clinic in one of the poorest neighborhoods in West Philadelphia. Brownie points all around.

But that's where my props end. The point where he decided to not only take advantage of women, not just of color, but also to exploit them in a vulnerable situation is where he loses my reverence.

Baa Hum Bug!

I'm 23, and I don't know what that means to you, but to me that's old and I'm tired. Blame it on my "old soul" or whatever, but I'm tired of every holiday and special event packing up me and my troupe going to visit other people at their homes, basking in their happiness, and their families. I'm tired and I'm ready for people to pack up their crew and visit me and mines.

Now, I have no children (my dog doesn't count because he's not always in tow), so my troupe is not my children, husband, or boyfriend for that matter; it's my "baggage". You know, I carry a bag of expectation, and no-nonsense everywhere I go. These bags are not always heavy, but sometimes they are so loaded that they weigh me down. Now don't confuse this with being unpleasant, I am not. I just don't feel like dealing with the bullshit, in this case particularly with romantic relationships.


I am very unapologetic about the expectations I have of others and at times these expectations may come at a cost to myself, but I am convinced that in the long run it will pan out. I have seen what little expectations (and lack of fulfillment of those) have done to people in the long run and THAT does not make me happy.

So, here I sit in my house alone on Christmas, not because I have nowhere to go but because I don't feel like it! I want to sit in my house and have others come to me. Unfortunately there is no reason for them to and that is the problem...

Equal Parts

Truth be told, every man likes a woman who's a little domesticated and every woman likes a man who's a little handy.

...but that should not (and probably will not) be the totality of their role in the home.

As serious as I am about equity in the home- that we need to be doing things 50/50- some tasks I want no parts of. Honestly there are some things I expect #myfuturehusband to be better at than I and things that I would prefer him to do- PERIOD. It has very little to do with gender roles and socialization, but how we will function well in our household. If I can, will, and am expected to do everything, then what the heck do I need a man* for? You know, ya'll come with a lot of headaches, that at times feel like they outweigh the benefits of having you around (j/k ... but dead serious)

There needs to be a recognition that what we each choose (or need) to do is equally important for the maintenance and functioning of this house. I will not let anyone (take note #futurehusband) guilt me into fulfilling duties, simply because of my gender. Just as well as I can sweep the floor, I'm pretty sure your arms move and legs can do it too (I know your stroke- you can handle it).

If he makes my whites sparkle like they've never been worn, then guess who's washing clothes? If I can put together a table in no time without spending hours looking at the directions, guess who's putting together furniture (or having it delivered already assembled)?

That being said (this post was not supposed to be about equality in the home); I know #myfuturehusband will really appreciate it if I know at least the basics of keeping a home clean and cooking an edible meal. Simply because as a woman I should know? Yes and because that should (will) compliment what he brings to the table, which will be more than the "bread and the bacon" to place on it (he is not getting off that easy). I will appreciate just as much that he knows how to change the oil in my car and replace the cabinets in my kitchen (lofty request? I have high expectations hahaha). Because he's a man? Yes and because it will compliment me.

Steve Harvey said it best (prepare for paraphrase) when he explained that no man should make a woman feel like they are indebted because she stays at home and he pays the bills. She is maintaining and preparing a household that he is living in - that's not a favor, they are both doing their parts. Had the food that was purchased with his money not been cooked by her, I guess he'd be a hungry soul.

So the point (damn, I got back to equity!) is that both parts are equally important and I will appreciate (borderline require) #myfuturehusband 's handiness and he shall appreciate my domesticity.

*man can be swapped for woman, vice versa - sexual preference does not negate this experience