Tabb MGT has ARRIVED

In late 2011 respect was a major issue in my life. I had had multiple conversations with my clients  (friends) about respect as a verb, respect as a display of honor, as a marker of their loyalty to me (at that point we were barely Tabb MGT, I was just 'La working on stuff' to me). This was feminism is practice - I had to teach my friends (clients), sometimes through tears, that they had command respect for me from all whom we'd work with.

I'm sure that they are hyper-aware that I am a woman, one of the few YOUNG women who do what I do, I behave like a woman - although they sometimes forget and display frustration: La stop acting like a girl! - but  they know. They actually know more when we are not in our own space in our comfort zone, because that's when other people notice. I had to remind them that other people "noticing" I am a woman, in a leading, non-romantic, position in their lives can raise eyebrows, cause confusion, lead to invisibility, or dismissal OF ME, not them. I had to remind them that we share the responsibility in making people understand that I am at the table - that's my FAVORITE line of 2012, by the way - and I must say that by 2012 it was a dwindling issue  - except from one of my own.

For the first few months of 2012 I did not speak to one of my clients (closest FRIENDS) because I felt like the respect was lacking, it was more so in the tone of being taking for granted, yet through 4 panel discussions, 2 Prom Dress Drives that was planned by my community organization Mic Check 1-Two!, the taping of 9 episodes on many, many winter Sundays for the Evan Polk Show, the writing of my intense literature review for my graduate thesis he waited patiently and let me get over it - you know women do that right?? *insert sarcastic tone* - that was really his response to why he hadn't reached out to me! But honestly, WE got over it. We grew up in our time a part and became better business partners and friends and subsequently he and Wes Manchild put together an AMAZING album (over SEVEN THOUSAND -7,000 - people agree with me) that was released in August - that's the magic of the music industry, an album that may take ONE month to create can be sat on for multiple waiting for the right time.

In preparation for the release of this album I solidified a business relationship with now one of my very close friends, Rashaad Lambert, of iamnotarapperispit.com, - who officially joined Tabb MGT as Chief Marketing Officer (CMO) in about Oct '12.

I jumped ahead.

The Evan Polk Show was released, it was hilarious - we've gonna try this again in 2013 to make sure thousands of people think so.

I don't remember what I (Tabb MGT) was doing before August 2012. Honestly. Let's fast forward again.

August was a big month. We had the ONE-year Anniversary for DJ Ricochet at Mikey's: the turnout was fantastic, Clique Vodka sponsored it, people were walking up to me at the end of the night telling me great job - I had no idea they knew I did anything (I kinda live in fantasy land sometimes); we had begun preparation for Chill Moody, Beano, and Hank McCoy's Who Do You Love LIVE from LOVE Park, we were finalizing all of S.K.'s No Sympathy: planned and catered the listening party, released No Sympathy, and I planned my little sister's surprise 21st birthday party.

*just note that I have made very little mention to the fact that I graduated grad school, got a new job in July and work 40 hours a week in Delaware.

Ok, I'm not going to take you on  play by play of the rest of my year - but this is definitely where it got interesting. Just when I decided I take myself as a business seriously - meaning, I am a business - I knew I did good work was when all of my business preparation got put on hold - to do other stuff:

The 2nd Annual InterCommunal Giveback Feast & Concert

The TriState NYE Countdown for a Cause Red Carpet Affair


It was in my initial meeting for the New Year's Eve party that I realized I had truly, truly earned my seat at the table. I wrote down (almost) everything that I did in the last year and I surprised myself.

And it was the eve of New Year's Eve (yesterday haha) that I realized that I had worked really hard on multiple things, for multiple people and businesses throughout this year and that I had certainly ARRIVED. So if you are coming to the party tonight and you see my logo on the red carpet wall and see my friends and family in the Super-Ultra VIP section and wonder why or how, just know that I (and some chosen supportive people) have worked very, very hard in 2012. It was not because I was cute, I am, but partly because I am cute and competent.

Now, let's figure out where I'm headed...

Please clear my energy...

::inserts disclaimer about the quality of this written work::


I woke with a burdended, discouraged heart.. I have organized a community event that I feel VERY passionately about and I am trying to decipher whether the devil is putting obstacles in our way or if God is giving us signs. Last night I said: I need a sign for the sign Lord!

It's like we have all the parts in order, but no place to claim its home. We met with a group yesterday regarding the location we would like it to be in, but we, well I did not walk away feeling as if

The group leader was patronizing. At times it felt hostile.

I do not want what we have spent lllloooonnnngggg hours toiling over this, for it to call home to a place where people do not see our vision. Maybe I am too idealistic, but I was taught to see the sunshine. It is very frustrating.

The reaction we received last night is EXACTLY why we chose to seek out a location in the hood. We are not afraid to have EVENTS, not parties in the under-served areas. We want to serve, we want to create an opportunity, experiences - we want to show OUR people that we can organize and be present.

The thought of having dozens of police officers milling about makes me ILL. I want to exhibit to people that we believe in their dignity. We believe that they deserve nice things, in places they call home. But we are not stupid. We recognize that things can jump off. I would argue that the presence of a dominating force does not decrease tension, but increases it. I would feel that a strong police presence welcomes hostility from a crowd - especially a group that already has a contentious relationship with law enforcement.

I WILL NOT YOU DAMN MY VISION WITH YOUR PRESENTATION. why is it that I have to always worry about my presentation (which is everything) when others don't. Namely those who are more senior than I?!

Old heads it is you! You are a large part of the problem. Your expectations, the energy you put out in the world begets negativity. We should believe that African Americans can congregate, fellowship, feast and enjoy the musical aspects of our culture without incident. If you have low expectations, if you meet "them" with force, if you do not think they are deserving of a NICE, thoughtful event, then why have it. I do not expect anyone to be foolish, we should be prepared and proactive. But energy is everything.

Decoding the Quarter Life

Disclaimer: if it doesn't make sense. I don't apologize. I will just tell you that I didn't allow myself to re-read or delete my thoughts. So judge/edit at your own discretion.
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My best friend sent me a loving  text full of wisdom after we shared one of our many conversations about the QLC. The take-away was that "THESE are our defining moments"

And they are. Every tear I want to cry now, but hold back. Every shout that I muffle. Every plan to run away, but I curb. Are all tell-tale signs that I am becoming an adult. That the sidewalk is ending.

They Always Come Back

I woke up with a ringing in my ear and fifteen minutes later it won't go away. I will not say I am not afraid, but maybe God is using that as a reminder for me, for what I'm not sure but I'm sure it will reveal itself OR the ringing will simply go away.

But, that's not really why I'm writing.

I was awakened by a text message, five to be exact. And they were from a guy, apologizing for his behavior. No, he didn't do some awful thing to me, nor did he commit the proverbial heartbreak. But what he did was wrong and I accept his apology, he just doesn't know that. I haven't decided if I'll tell him, but I do. I tend to accept most apologies (when I know they're genuine, most times they are because apologies only matter to me from people I care about and we must care about each other if you are apologizing). 

I read the texts a few times and each time going through my head is: "they always come back". I've said this to my friends multiple times for the past few months and I don't know if they understand the truth in that statement and how strongly I believe that. Let me correct that, I've learned that. Let me correct myself again, I taught myself that. "Them" coming back is predicated on how "they" leave, or how you let or force them to leave. 

I learned a huge lesson in love and life during my 23rd year of life. I do not plan to ever replicate those painful feelings I experienced, but I continue to use those lessons. And I wish I could teach my friends, sisters, and cousins those lessons. I was so gentle with myself during that time as I healed myself. It was such a spiritual place for me. I had to forgive myself. I had to be honest, with myself. I invested myself in another human being so deeply, that I had to dig deep within myself to get her back. She came back...and they always come back. 

Phreedum: Phind out Phriday: Behind 3 Great Men is 1 Great W...

Phreedum: Phind out Phriday: Behind 3 Great Men is 1 Great W...: There’s the man who makes the music and there is the woman behind the music. There’s the man who plays the music and there’s the woman behi...

HEY, THAT'S ME!!!

No One is Teaching Men...

Nobody's teaching our men the importance and value of relationships. There are prescriptions and proscriptions for women. How to get a man. How to keep a man. How to sex a man. How to love a man. But there is no manual for men. There is no one teaching them that there is no special alignment of stars that will come with the right relationship. There is no perfect situation, no perfect woman, no perfect timing. No one is teaching men that like other things in life they desire, they have to take a chance. No one is teaching them that their professional development is no more important than their personal development, their personal relationships; that after all the money is spent and earned, 401ks depleted, children in college, parents deceased, what they will have is the personal they built and THAT is important. No one is teaching men that anything worth having is worth fighting and working for and that includes love. I wish someone would teach men the importance of love. No one is teaching men that although you should work for love, it shouldn't be that type of work that you dread, but that work that you do cuz you love it. No one is teaching men so women don't have to convince them, teach them the value of relationships. No one is teaching men how to stay in relationships, what it takes to build and maintain one. They know how to get a woman. They know how to sex her. They know how to keep her...around. I wish some one would teach men. Teach men that perfection doesn't exist. I wish some one would teach men that women are not the only ones looking for the one. That all the time they spend dodging relationships is time they waste looking, but not looking for this perfection, this magic moment, magic person that doesn't exist. Men seem to be waiting for this gong from the heavens that doesn't exist. No one is teaching men that this is a feeling thing. This is not calculated. not planned. The time you spend planning love, attempting to make space for relationships is the time you miss. No one is teaching or showing men that the most special and prosperous relationships are those that begin with a feeling. No one is teaching them that they could lose the one they're looking for along the journey. I just wish someone would teach some men...something

But no one taught me this either....

Organ Donor

If I could be honest, I would tell how damaged I was am.

If I could be honest, I'd tell you that every time I ask to see you, either beating, preventing, or forcing you to...


whatever your response is, I lose (a little confidence, a little faith)

...a little space - a little, just a tad of myself


A tad of control that I have held on to for so long

a bit of my health

If I could be honest, I'd tell you that I am AFRAID, scared, terrified of liking LOVING and hurting someone

I am afraid that by liking, then loving, that I (eye) will meet, re-meet, repeat a broken heart

If I could be honest,

If I could be in control, I'd let go!







Since I'm being honest:

I hate LOATHE despise asking someone to see me! I make a mental note EVERY time I make an inquiry to be seen. I hate not being fit in to some one else's schedule. I hate complicated. I hate compartmentalizing in REAL life, you know with real people and real feelings. I HATE when my feelings fast forward quicker than reality and I don't know whether I should catch up or speed up or stay still and figure out what's it all about.

I HATE feeling like a disturbance.



Since I'm being honest, than I could be honest with myself and:


recognize that sometimes its in my head. But when that feeling is in my gut, I can't turn a blind eye to what will end in my broken (borrowed) heart.