I Want to Stop Feeling Alone...

I keep having the momentary bouts of bad attitudes. Some are reactive, but I can admit that some are truly unwarranted. And I know what I want (need). But I hate to admit it because it makes me feel weak. The reality of it though, and I need to accept it, is that it is not WEAK to yearn for the companionship of another human being. That's what we are here for, that is the nature of this beast. We are social creatures that flourish best in social situations, etc. Yet, knowing this I still feel like I'm not supposed to want (need) someone. I never felt like that and again, I blame him. I was ok knowing that I needed him, then that led to a shattering and from that I've become "good".

Suicide

Trying my best to channel it
To help you understand
How death was better than not being with this man
You'd only think I'm crazy
If you've never seen this place
But I think you missed out
If this love, you've never taste

Shelf (4/2010)

(Opened an  old notebook of mine, with intention to write something new and happened upon this. Though not my best work, it's "nice" to see where I was to see how far I've come. I went straight to Facebook to post it, then realized THIS should be the place where these go...)

I made room on my shelf for you
I threw my caution to the wind
and trusted this relationship to fly
I hung my dreamcatcher
not knowing that dreams aren't endorsed by cries
I packed up my past
and removed it from teh shelf
Closing the lids to previous wounds
flesh from someone else
I made room on my shelf for you
I folded my dreams and tucked them neatly away
For your dreams were the priority, placed on display

S.K. - Respect

Few people know....I shot this! (and I'm proud of myself)
See the secrets you learn when you read....

His/Mines

I woke up and realized I was in front of his baby mom house, in my car after getting out his car, waiting for him to return with his children so they wouldn't tell on him so he could avoid a fight with his baby mom! What the absolute fuck is going on here? This is my life?! No.

So I started my car to go to my house and sleep in my bed, instead of my car and left my phone off and woke up and realized, this makes much more sense! 

"If anybody speak to Scotty, tell him 'beam me up!'"

Lately I've noticed that my emotions, rather my reactivity to OTHER people's actions have been at an all time high. I don't like it. I can come up with many reasons why: they're idiots, morons, jerks, inconsiderate, self-absorbed, over-rated (add fitting adjectives)....I could keep going, but what really matters is me! I cannot and will not be able to change them, only me. And what I need to change is how I deal with and react to other people. My sophomore year of college a friend told me my expectations of others are higher than they are of themselves - THAT is a gift and a curse I now notice, as it has affected me. I don't want to start going into things with low expectations, because not only would that not be me, but not be right. BUT something has got to change - again, it's me!

I need some me time! Some time where I'm free to be me, free as I can be from the idiots of the world. I'm having trouble with that because I'm always with other people lately - some of which are idiots (or do idiotic things) If I could attach a song, it would have been Wale: Friends and Strangers (maybe that's why tumblr is cool). I keep having these moments of clarity and acting on them has been soo freeing (see the theme)

This just might be that time of year when I RUN-AWAY! I'm searching for a Window Seat.

I Don't Like Tumblr

I don't like things that carry a ot of hype, that I don't understand. I do not know how to work it, it's too complicated - the creativity and technology quotient are too high. I just wanna write! There's too much pressure with tumblr to make it visually appealing. I just wanna write, and read, and be free....

On to my next blog post ---->